“We&a;re allies, right?”
Ellen gave a nonplussed blink to her boyfriend, Julius. They were sitting side by side on the bed of her dorm room, doing homework on their respective laptops. But apparently he wanted to take a conversation break. “Yes. That&a;s what romance is—an alliance for mutual benefit. Two people like and trust each other, so they increase the intensity and duration of their interactions, and they cover each other&a;s weak spots.”
“Right. Of course. Comparative advantage,” Julius responded. He didn&a;t seem very enthusiastic about the idea.
Ellen frowned at him. “Do you feel like you&a;re getting shortchanged somewhere?”
Julius sighed and grimaced. “It&a;s not your fault. Really. But I think I need to break up with you.”
Ellen continued to frown. “Explain.”
“I&a;m just too much of a control freak. Every time I help you with homework—every time you call me over to look at your sewing patterns—every time I eat you out—I feel a twisting in my stomach, like it&a;s all fake. I thought it might get better over time, but it&a;s just gotten worse. I don&a;t want you to be an ally. I want you to be a vassal. Sometimes, in my bed, waiting to fall asleep, I even get tears in my eyes thinking about it.”
Ellen resisted the urge to sigh in exasperation. “That isn&a;t realistic. You aren&a;t a genius or a billionaire. And slavery is illegal. It&a;s alliance or nothing.”
“Then I guess it&a;s nothing. I don&a;t even know how I got into this romance, and I&a;m really thankful for your patience with me. But I&a;m just not a romantic person.”
Ellen could hear her own pulse thundering in her ears. All her work buttering up this autistic but not&h;too&h;ugly buffoon, thinking that he was a tolerable long&h;term romantic partner for her own also&h;autistic but definitely&h;above&h;average&h;looking self—all down the drain. He was going to throw this once&h;in&h;a&h;lifetime catch away out of his own pathetic ego.
After a long moment, she got a grip on herself, and grimly forced herself to say: “Well, if you say so.”
Julius closed his laptop, stood up, and held out his hand for a handshake. “Thanks again.”
Ellen shook it.
And that was that.